I Carry You

12/12/19

I carry you in my heart, in my soul, in my being.

I expect to see you- to feel you- to hold you...again.

Faith is belief in the unseen. I couldn't see you in my womb but I felt your presence and knew that one day soon I would see you... hold you... touch you.

It took me 9 months to have you

Its been 9 months since I held you

9 months since I died

For 9 months I've cried

9 months since I was reborn to make sure you stay alive

I feel your presence. My longing to see you is indescribable. I realize this longing is reminiscent of when you were in my womb. I loved you though I'd never met you and ached to hold you, to see you. I had to have faith that you were ok even though I couldn't lay eyes on you. Before my belly ever expanded I felt your love, your presence- even without physical manifestation.

18 years ago the period of gestation ended. After 9 months of longing to hold you, my faith and patience were rewarded with the miracle of feeling the warmth of your skin against mine, the beating of your heart against mine. Love pulsated from your being and engulfed me in it.

Never in my life had I felt so alive, so needed, so loved.

For 9 months I wondered what you would look like when I finally got to see you. I imagined your face- a mixture of your Dad's and mine but really didn't care who you would look like as long as you would be healthy and all mine. I wondered what your personality would be like. I prayed for you to be kind and compassionate. I wanted you to be a special soul sent to be mine on earth. You were more than I could've ever wished for. You were my bright light in a dark world. Your presence made everything in this world better.

Now I sit here the day after your 18th birthday- the day you departed from this world 9 months ago. It's been 9 months since I've seen you or held you or felt your arms wrapped around me.

For 9 months I have been longing to see you, to hold you. 9 months ago my world ripped in two. 9 months ago I felt my heart ripped out of my chest. 9 months ago I felt a part of me escape from my being leaving an emptiness in its place.

I sit here wondering how long this period of gestation will last?

How long until God allows me to hold you again?

I wonder what you will look like though it will not matter, as long as our souls are able to find one another in the cosmos and recognize the pieces of ourselves in the other. I still feel your presence and love you more than anything. Love never dies and your energy is forever a part of mine.

My longing to hold you and see you will be fulfilled one day soon. Until then I have faith in the unseen- I have faith that you are here with me- that you are ok and that we will be reunited in a few blinks of an eye.

Until then, stay by my side, stay in my heart, stay in my womb- just stay. Stay with me forever and always.

I am ready to give birth to this new life. These labor pains are unbearable but I bear them with a smile as to not cause discomfort to those around me who ignore the blade protruding from my heart that I've learned to live with. Everyday I feel contractions in my heart making me feel that the gestational period is ending and that the womb of my heart is ready to deliver God's promise to me. But just like when you were in my womb I keep having false alarms. My heart aches for you. There are no words to accurately describe this longing for you. I feel your soul calling out to me. I am torn between two worlds. The magnetic pull you have on my soul is stronger than the gravitational pull of the earth and I feel my soul quickening to yours. Our souls are connected, intertwined with the essence of one another. Every so often I can feel our souls kiss, giving me the peace I need to continue on. The peace illuminates my entire being. Everything becomes light.

We carry our babies in our wombs for 9 months and forever in our hearts. After 9 months of patience, carrying them in our wombs, we are rewarded with the ability to see them and to hold them. We are now in another gestational period. We are expected to "bear" this "burden" in the wombs of our hearts until God declares that our gestation is over and our children are delivered to us for eternity.

When we were pregnant, we were "expecting." Well I am still "expecting" to see my son, to hold him... and it won't be temporary like the time in this world. It will be everlasting.

"Surely God takes what is His and what He gives is His and to all things He has appointed a time...so have patience and be rewarded."